OK, sure, first thing — dude’s married, so there’s that. But please, let’s not make this some cheap physical thing (at least not yet). We’ve all been through presidential elections before. We like to think we’re not emotionally unavailable to a chief executive. Still, the last time we got involved on this level, the guy turned out to be kind of a dick. Sure, in many ways that last guy’s still charming, and in many others ways the ultimate breakup was mutual at the time and remains generally amicable. But with Barack Obama, we’re having certain feelings that we haven’t felt since … well, since ever, really. I really think he might be the one, and I know I’m not alone. So now that our cards are on the table, how can we handle this potentially awkward but still awesome situation?
Oh wait, before we get into all that, you’ve seen this picture, right? Where Barack (I’ll call him Barack, as “Obama” just seems impersonal) is stoically giving a speech while weeping for his dead grandmother? The grandma who practically raised him, after his parents divorced, then his dad died, and his mom remarried and moved away? So, yeah:
Holy crap. Let’s just put this image on money, shall we? On every denomination. Hell with it, let’s just make this image into our money, paper and coin. I just gave you a free Weeping Obama. Legal tender in all fifty states after today’s election results. Don’t spend it all in one place. If you want to find other Barack photos, which may also become negotiable instruments, you can always check here or pretty much the entire Internet and various storefronts for stenciled graffiti.
Back to your feelings for Barack. You need to understand that these impulses are perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all going through the same thing, and you know what’s at the root of your anxiety? Shame. You just don’t feel worthy of Barack’s presidency. And considering recent election history, Barack probably is way too good for you. For us. Still, it’s about change, right, and people can change. We can change. Barack certainly doesn’t need to change. And Barack doesn’t need three hundred million drunken 3 a.m. text messages, all promising that we’ve changed, it’ll be different this time. He already knows, and he’s willing to give us all a chance.
That chance is a vote, and giving Barack three hundred million of those today would be a nice gesture, certainly. That would go a long way toward proving you’re serious, America. Once we follow through and can enjoy the company of President Barack, at first it will be fantastic, but you have to be careful. It’s perfectly OK to put Barack on a pedestal — a pedestal made of hopes and dreams and steely resolve and unicorns and universal health care and international respect and rainbows. But sooner or later he’s … well, he’s not going to get off that pedestal, EVER, and why should he, and you’re never going to get up there with him. But you can look, and admire, and dream, and fantasize in a congenial way. Maybe not build a shrine in your utility closet, or at least not show it to anyone right away.
The point is this: Barack is here to stay, and we all feel very strongly for and about him, and we’re going to have to deal with that. Personally, professionally, electorally, and (privately!) erotically. Let’s not smother the man. Even a perfect Presidential being needs room to breathe, enact his policies, and hang out with his buds when we’re not around. If we just keep this elevated and sophisticated, we can take our relationship with Barack Obama to the next level. We don’t need to get all uptight though — after all, Barack will be moving into a new house come January. Let’s celebrate with drinks tonight after, you know, the thing is over with. We’re buying, and I’m sure Barack won’t take it amiss if we send a round down the bar. Just don’t be creepy about it.