Between Prince Harry naked and Shia LaBeouf naked and rumors of a Ryan Lochte dick pic, it was an exciting August for people who like seeing attractive men with no clothes on. While we all know what Prince Hot Ginge and Shia LaDouche look like in their birthday suits, the Lochte dick pic never quite happened. As Tyler Coates wrote this summer, the sports blog Deadspin tried to raise money to purchase the photo — "allegedly taken for a now-ex-girlfriend-of-Lochte’s" — but somehow, some way, the Olympic weiner was kept from the world. But this morning, the ladyblog Crushable fills us with hope anew, teasing a Lochte dick pic as just beyond eyeball’s reach.
Blogger Alexis Rhiannon makes no mention of the aborted-Lochte-dic-pic of August, which indicates she didn’t even do a basic Google search before writing her Crushable post OR the Lochte dick pic she’s seen is an all-new dong photo. Rhiannon writes:
A friend of mine has a cousin who has a best friend who lives in Florida and has gone on a couple dates with Ryan Lochte. Through some arrangement that I don’t know the details of, Ryan sent the Florida girl a picture of his gold-medal junk, which she then forwarded to her best friend, who then forwarded it to her cousin, who also happens to be my friend. Who is an enterprising young fellow and would like to make some money off of this Olympian dick pic. So here we find ourselves.
She goes on to describe the penis in question as "probably 7+, with a weird manscaping situation and a spectacular Speedo tan" and "same square pecs, deep crease in the middle of his abs, and absolutely no hips." (By way of comparison, Deadspin described the swimmer’s body thusly: "The body in the photo is shaved like a swimmer’s body, with tan lines from racing trunks. The contours of the torso appear to match the contours of Lochte’s torso, particularly the deep crease across the abdominal muscles, angling up at the sides.") Also, Rhiannon’s friend "swears he can see a little birthmark right above his hip that appears in photos of Ryan Lochte as well." (Deadspin conjectures Lochte may have gotten a "pectoral mole" removed in recent years.)
Oh, wiill the Internet ever get its Ryan Lochte penis pic??!?
But even if we never see the junk the world’s sexiest idiot is packing, I think we can all say by this point we’ve seen it in our mind’s eye.
Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.