Twitter Ensures That We Are Still The Worst People

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After a while of being on Twitter, you’re eventually going to get tired of some of the people you follow. And you will be tempted to unfollow them! I mean, why not? It’s not like it really means anything, or that you’re losing some deep, personal connection there. I mean, do you think celebrities care if you unfollow them? I doubt it. I unfollowed Joan Collins ages ago and I’m pretty sure none of her feathers were ruffled. But that’s not the case when you unfollow someone you know personally, because normal people, like celebrities, are vain a-holes. But unlike celebrities, they pay attention to their followers, because they are vain a-holes with nothing better to do, like make movies or write trashy books. 

Unfortunately, there are programs like Qwitter that will email you whenever someone unfollows you. Who would want that?! I mean, other than terrible people who care how many followers they have on Twitter, who then might, say, passive-aggressively Tweet at you and say things like, "Oh, I would DM you but you don’t follow me, so." Or there are the kinds of people who will EMAIL YOU and say, "OMG I can’t believe you unfollowed meeeeeee." Both of those things have happened. To me. Because people are crazy, y’all.

But now programs like Tweetdeck and Echofon are helping us outsmart our followees. I’m prefer the former, which has allowed me to devote a column to a private list I refer to as my "inner circle." You see, I follow over 400 Twitter accounts. But I only really pay attention to about 90 people who, let’s be honest, don’t annoy the hell out of me. That way I don’t have to read everyone’s tweets, and I don’t have to have unfortunately awkward interactions with people after I unfollow them. (One time an old friend of mine made fun of me for using Tweetdeck, as if it were pedestrian. I unfollowed him on Twitter.)

Last night I was telling a friend about how I’ve even gone so far as to block certain people, which allows me to always avoid any instance of other people I followed re-tweeting people I don’t like. My friend told me that Echofon even allows it so you can block any re-tweets from people you follow—"You know, for when people re-tweet too much." We’re living in a brave new world, folks, where we can keep up appearances and frienemy status even on these stupid parts of the internet. We’re in the future, I’m telling you.

[Previously: How To Use Twitter.]

Follow (or don’t!) Tyler Coates on Twitter.